Pastor Appreciation Month is already behind us, but the “holiday season” is coming on fast. Many church members gave their pastors a gift in October, even if it was just their well-wishes. Others are thinking about what they might give their pastor for Christmas.
If that’s you, this post is for you. If you’re a pastor, you may want to just accidentally forward this to your board members, in hopes that one of them will accidentally forward it to your congregation, or put it in a newsletter or a bulletin.
You probably won’t be too surprised to have me encourage you to not buy your pastor a book you think he needs, or a tie with crosses on it or a new Scriptural wall plaque for his home. If you do, he’ll smile and thank you politely while groaning silently in his soul. Trust me on this.
I’m not going to discourage you from giving him homemade goodies however, like candy, cookies, ethnic treats or a pie, because so many pastors are separated from their loved ones by their ministry locations and their holiday responsibilities. Many don’t see their extended families, years on end. We always found these treats to be sweet, in more ways than one; a little compensation for a demanding role. (And the wise pastor understands that Christmas cookies don’t contain calories.)
Before I expand on what I mean by reasonable expectations I need to say this: Not all church members are unreasonable and not all churches are unreasonable. There are church members who “get it;” they understand what I’m talking about. Sometimes these great people have enough influence in their churches so that entire congregations seem to “get it.” Blessed is the pastor who has the privilege of serving such a flock.
How did they come to understand the pastor’s life? Most likely, through many years of devoted church involvement along with a willingness to truly listen to and get to know their pastors and their families. If you are one of these people in one of these churches, I’d like to come to your church and hug you.
Putting it just as succinctly as possible, here’s what I mean by reasonable expectations:
(1) Expect a reasonable number of work hours. I won’t even comment on the “one hour per week” myth; it’s too old and too silly. Here’s the reality. Most Bible-believing pastors work upwards of 50 hours per week and that’s not counting the time spent in social settings with church members.
Why would I even mention this? Because when pastors are with their church members they are on the job whether they know it or not. I’m not saying that they’re not having fun or relaxed or enjoying themselves but I’m saying that they are, nevertheless, “on the clock” when they’re with church folks at the community theater, the ballgame or the picnic.
Here’s how we go off the rails with our expectations for the pastor’s work hours: (a) In many cases we don’t know what he actually does. We see what he does in public, but not what he does in private. Do you know how many hours he works on his Sunday sermons? (b) While our own personal expectations are reasonable, we don’t realize that – owing to our varied backgrounds, convictions and spiritual gifts – 100 church members have 100 different sets of expectations. When we start adding up the reasonable expectations of disparate individuals, the burden becomes unbearable.
Church health expert and author, Thom Rainer, once asked his 12 deacons to total up the number of hours that each of them thought the pastor should spend on his various duties. When the numbers were processed, Pastor Rainer found that his deacons expected him to work 114 hours per week. This is not as uncommon as you might think.
(2) Expect a reasonable degree of giftedness and skill. Pastors have spiritual gifts, just like the rest of us. Working together, a church full of people can almost, just about, not quite approximate the giftedness of Jesus Himself – that’s the idea behind the spiritual gifts chapters like Romans 12 and I Corinthians 12-14. Every pastor is going to be strong in some areas and weak in others and that’s just the way it is.
I’ve gone to great lengths with pastoral search committees to help them understand this. My “Parable of the Headhunter” is a tool I created to this end. A few years later I produced the “Menu from the Pastor Café,” (there’s a part two to this one here) a “pick three” type of offer like many places where you’ve had lunch. The reality I keep trying to communicate is this: Most pastors are gifted and strongly motivated to do either caregiving or teaching – not both – and while quite a few passionate teachers are also strong leaders, very few caregiving pastors (highly valued by smaller churches) are also strong leaders.
(3) Expect him to have the same big problem that you have: he’s still a sinner. Your biggest problem isn’t your pastor, or your husband or the President of the United States. Your biggest problem is you. Your indwelling sin is powerful and your flesh is weak.
Your pastor has the same problem. He may not struggle with the same temptations you struggle with, but he struggles with temptation, every day, nevertheless. If you expect perfection, you won’t keep him around for long or you’ll keep him around but treat him with disrespect because of your disappointment. Give him the simple but costly gift of accepting that he’s human. Forgive his foibles. Talk to him with discretion, respect, loyalty and humility about the ways in which you feel he needs to grow. Pray for him daily. A great church can literally turn a mediocre (or simply immature) pastor into a great pastor, but it does take time.
This all begs the question: How do I let my pastor know that I’m giving him the gift of reasonable expectations this year? Here’s a suggestion: Write a few kind words of appreciation and understanding on a simple note. Express your loyalty and commitment to pray for him. Attach the note to a package of fudge or your favorite ethnic Christmas goodies or a gift card from his favorite restaurant and hand it to him on Christmas eve. God will be happy with you and you may just receive an unusually smiley and attentive pastor for Christmas in return.
