“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.” The Apostle Paul in Ephesians 4:15
I won’t continue this series of posts forever.
I don’t want to be responsible for any church completely forsaking “niceness.” In fact, I’m really big on the idea of regenerated people being remarkably, supernaturally, kind and tender and sweet and respectful toward each other. I don’t see any room for motive judging or harsh demeaning talk, even when we’re in the midst of serious disagreements.
But that’s another subject for another day.
If we’re going to become what God wants us to become, as individuals, churches, denominations or as an entire body of Christ on a national or worldwide scale, we have to rise to the occasion and graciously tell each other the truth.
Last week I followed that up by explaining several ways we are too nice outside the boardroom:
(1) We’re too nice to say “no” to unqualified people who want to serve as church leaders.
(2) We’re too nice to implement and consistently enforce comprehensive child and youth protection policies.
(3) We’re too nice to lovingly confront our brothers and sisters in Christ about their glaring faults, bad habits and disqualifying traits.
(4) We’re too nice to practice Biblical, church discipline.
Here are five more ways we’re too nice in our churches:
(5) We’re too nice to be honest with ourselves and others about our congregation’s health.
This is a big, important subject that I and many others have written about extensively. Click here or here for more detail.
The hard truth is that thousands of American evangelical churches, well over half of all those in existence, in fact, are declining numerically and are almost “fruitless” as disciple-making mission stations on the great mission field called “the world” (Matthew 13:38, 16:18, 28:18-20).
This is no place for me to make simplistic statements about the causes for this situation; it’s complicated.
What we can safely – and sadly – say, is that this isn’t a good situation. Churches should understand that they exist to glorify God (Ephesians 1:1-14) by making disciples of Jesus, and most of them just aren’t doing it. They should be well aware of the fact that they’re not fulfilling God’s plan for them, and they should be prayerfully concerned about this.
Everybody’s trying to be nice. Pastors are being nice to their congregations; congregations are being nice to their pastors; their denominations are being nice to their member churches.
Brothers and sister, please, let’s get real, let’s get some help and let’s get going.
(6) We’re too nice to share the gospel with the lost in our communities and families.
I’m probably about as guilty as anyone of this offence. A few bold1 believers, especially the newest ones, have the courage and conviction to speak out bravely in sharing the message of Christ with neighbors, friends, co-workers, and those incredibly scary family members.
Too many of us are more concerned about what people think of us than about what God thinks of them, and that’s wrong.
In my un-scientific observation, the smaller our communities and the tighter and more stable our families, the more this problem – old fashioned fear, really – rears its ugly head. It is one thing to irritate your neighbor; it is quite another thing to alienate the parents or siblings you see on a regular basis.
Author Dann Spader pointed out back in the 1990s2 how much easier it is for us to share the good news, which, of course, involves the bad news of our sinfulness and condemnation, with: children, strangers or people on the other side of the world, than with our peers and family members. When Jesus told His converts to go to their own families and tell them what God had done for them, He knew He was giving them a severe test (Mark 5:19).
It’s still a huge challenge. We need to pray for ourselves and each other that we will have the courage and compassion to speak the truth in love to the very ones whose rejection of us could cost us the most.
It’s not nice; it’s genuinely loving.
(7) We’re too nice to be honest about our sins and weaknesses.
In many churches, most of us know each other on only a “Sunday morning coffee fellowship” level. We pretend to know each other well, but we don’t.
We also pretend to be honest with each other. We share prayer requests for our “safe” concerns and carefully avoid voicing our most pressing and heart-breaking burdens, especially our own faults and failures.
I’m not arguing for a maudlin, melodramatic, sensationalized version of prayer meetings, coffee-clutching conversations, prayer chains or worship service “praise and prayer” times. Nor am I advocating a strategy of featuring the most dramatic stories of pre-Christian debauchery, from traveling, super-star former sinners, featured on otherwise sleepy Sunday evenings.
Nor am I suggesting the adoption of the Roman Catholic confessional, with absolution granted by priests.
But there’s a place – and I think this is what James was advocating in James 5:16 – for being humble and honest with each other about our struggles and faults.
Lost people in our midst can spot “phony-baloney” overly positive, “always victorious and rejoicing” Christians from a mile away and they are not impressed.
In contrast, young believers, in particular, are blessed and encouraged to hear older believers confess their faults and struggles, along with explaining their reliance on God’s wonderful love, forgiveness and strength.
(8) We’re too nice to teach the whole Bible.
As evangelical preachers and teachers we know that our calling is to teach “the whole will of God” (Acts 20:17-32) and carefully discern how it applies to the lives of our hearers. The Apostle Paul later emphasized that all Scripture is inspired and profitable (II Timothy 3:16,17), and Jesus commanded his Apostles to teach their converts to obey everything He had commanded3 (Matthew 28:18-20).
In every generation and in every location there are commands of Scripture which are relatively easy to teach because they are easy to understand and comparatively easy to obey. People who have no opportunity to raise poppies for opium production or even tobacco for cigarette production are easy to preach to about the harm done by producing these products. Folks who are a few hundred miles away who have the chance to rise from poverty to the middle-class by raising these crops might feel differently about your sermons on the subject.
It doesn’t take much courage to speak “thunderously” about the sins that your hearers are highly unlikely to commit, like an Amish crowd being immodest or nursing home residents committing adultery.
I’m not suggesting that a pastor should go out of his way – straining every hermeneutical rule – to preach against the sins that nobody else preaches about, but I am saying that as we are preaching through the whole Bible (and I think we should be preaching through the whole Bible), we do not “duck” the subjects that many in our congregations would like us to avoid.
It’s not nice to preach the whole counsel of God’s Word – all the commands of Scripture which legitimately apply to our hearers today – but it’s the right thing to do.
(9) We’re too nice to create honest staff member performance reviews.
This is tough stuff. Maybe even tougher than the subject I just mentioned.
It’s just not nice at all to tell the truth to a staff member – especially if that staff member is the solo or senior pastor – in an annual performance review. In fact, it can be downright terrifying.
(Contact me for stories that I can’t go into here!)
But we have to do this. The exception would be the board or pastor committed to coaching an individual so frequently, honestly and lovingly, that an annual review would be superfluous. But such a practice is exceedingly rare. Check out how this can be done right here.
I’m well aware of the difficulties involved in the solo or senior pastor gently speaking the truth in love to staff members who have: (1) served the church longer than he has, (2) are well-connected to movers and shakers in the church or on the board, or, (3) worst of all, related to folks who are power-brokers in the church.
But it has to be done.
Harder still is the responsibility of speaking the truth in love to the solo or senior pastor. I won’t go into this in detail today but I must say a word about its importance. Some of the most dysfunctional churches I’ve seen were crippled at this point: board members and virtually everyone else in the church had strong feelings about the work being done by the senior pastor. The senior pastor, insecure or combatively defensive, did not want honest feedback. I know how intimidating it is to sit down with such an individual and begin speaking the truth, however carefully.
But the consequences of not doing so can be devastating. It is not helping a pastor by allowing him to carry on ineffectively, indefinitely, but these scenarios are legion. Sometimes the pastor “hangs on” until the church is empty. Sometimes the members “hang on,” patiently (or not) waiting for the pastor to leave.
It’s so much better – and more godly – to speak the truth in love to each other. Here and here you’ll find help with performance reviews.
Letting a good man or a good church simply “die on the vine” isn’t nice. It’s wrong.
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Looking back on these ten ways in which we’re too nice in church, how does your church measure up?
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1My understanding of the word “boldness” is not simple courage, it’s the unusual willingness to go ahead and do that which normal people would find frightening.
2 Dann Spader, Sonlife, Growing A Healthy Church (1), seminar syllabus, p. 27
3 I confess that I haven’t counted, but some say that Jesus gave His disciples 50 commands.
If you could use a listening ear and a praying heart, you’re welcome to get in touch with me at churchwhisperer@gmail.com. I would be happy to set up a (free) phone or Zoom call with you.
