“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.” The Apostle Paul in Ephesians 4:15
It doesn’t seem like it should be a problem to be too “nice.” I mean, nice is, well, nice, isn’t it?
Not always, no.
Before we turn to being too nice in church boardrooms – our ultimate destination today – here’s how “too nice” can look on the pastor’s day off:
HE wants to go to restaurant “A,” but, being as nice as he is, he automatically defers to his wife, who, he believes, probably wants to go to restaurant “B.” So he says, “Restaurant B okay?” SHE replies, without much emotion (but remember, these are really “nice” people), “Sure, that’ll be fine.” Halfway through the meal – and this scenario can potentially be pleasant and funny or not so pleasant and not so funny – it is revealed that SHE actually would have rather they had gone to restaurant “A,” as would HE, but HE and SHE were both too nice to come out and say so. Let’s pretend that this ended with a good laugh, and a decent meal at restaurant “B.”
Now let’s turn to the church boardroom, where an overdose of niceness can have serious consequences.
The pastor comes to the meeting with a great new proposal, idea, initiative or change. There are a few half-hearted comments, a couple of quiet, mumbled-under-one’s-breath objections, some averted eyes, some foot shuffling under the table, and a couple of scarcely audible sarcastic remarks.
After a few minutes of awkward, near silence, the pastor says something like, “Great! That’s passed then. I’ll get this in the bulletin by Sunday.” He goes home and tells his wife that all systems are “go” for what is certainly going to be a great new program.
Frankly, their passivity wasn’t nice at all. In counseling we call it a “withhold” when one party declines to share important information the other party needed to hear.
Generally speaking, allowing the pastor to lead the church is great.
However, it wasn’t nice that the board members didn’t say what they were thinking, and here’s why…
(1) Because we’re supposed to speak the truth, as in Ephesians 4:15 above, or Leviticus 19:11, “Do not steal. Do not lie. Do not deceive one another,” and many other passages of Scripture.
(2) Because church leadership from a team of leaders can only work if the team members speak the truth. If they don’t, it’s like a disruption of the nervous system which connects the members (parts) of a body or a breakdown in communication on the battlefield. There’s no point in having a group of leaders – by whatever name they’re called – if they’re going to withhold their true feelings and thoughts from each other.
(3) Because the board members were soon going to disappoint the pastor by way of their lack of enthusiasm for his proposal. Granted, some pastors are happy to push through their proposals and don’t care if anyone is actually in favor of them or not. Most pastors, however, genuinely want to be good leaders who follow Christ and persuade their churches to follow them.
(4) Because the board members are going to be tempted to undermine the newly “approved” proposal in a second, unofficial “after-meeting” in a hallway, a parking lot or via phone or email. Sometimes this opposition is blatant and ugly; other times it’s passive-aggressive: “Don’t worry Thelma; If we ignore the pastor’s new idea, he’ll soon get the message and move on to something else.”
(5) Because the board’s aforementioned lack of enthusiasm can easily result in another leadership failure for the pastor and the church. It might be a relief for Fred and Thelma, but it’s potentially devastating for the pastor and for many subsequent leadership initiatives, as an accumulation of such misfires leads to discouragement, second-guessing, finger-pointing, accusations, cynicism, church hopping and pastoral resignations. “Nothing ever actually gets done or changes at that church!”
(6) Because an accumulation of such unsupported initiatives can and often does result in board members who no longer like their experience on the board, their pastor, their worship services or even the church itself.
(7) Because having reached the point I just described, they no longer invite unchurched people to come and visit their congregation and may even be hesitant to proclaim the gospel to the lost because they don’t want to bring interested persons into their unhappy church.
(8) Because, having reached the stalemate I described above, an uncomfortable alienation settles in between the pastor, his wife, and the remainder of the congregation. Good people, who feel bad about their bad feelings, find themselves waiting around for the pastor to leave so they can “get their church back.”
If that sounds terribly serious and negative…well…it really happens in the real world.
The solution here rests with all involved. Board members who have withheld the truth have to begin to speak the truth – in love, of course – even if it’s at the risk of disappointing their pastor.
Pastors need to learn the difference between merely getting their way and real leadership, which is always selfless, patient and humble. In their journey to leadership maturity, pastors who were once impatient and over-sensitive, eventually learn to listen carefully, learn from their critics and accept “no” answers with God-given grace. Sooner or later, growing pastors learn that waiting five years for a solid “yes” answer from a united board is worth the wait.
Next Week: Beyond the boardroom: Other ways in which we’re too nice in church.
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If you could use a listening ear and a praying heart, you’re welcome to get in touch with me at churchwhisperer@gmail.com.
