If you’re not a pastor, you may have been surprised by my title. “What? Pastors, frustrated or angry? He must mean, ‘frustrated by their golf games, their cars, their lawns or even their kids’ but surely he can’t mean ‘frustrated by their churches or their ministries!’”
But frustrated by their churches or ministries is exactly what I mean; any pastor who’s been in the ministry for more than two weeks knows exactly what I’m talking about.
I won’t delve into the causes here; they’re pretty well known among pastors. If you’re still incredulous, buy your pastor a breakfast, coffee (a good one) or a lunch, and ask him about this. He’ll probably tell you.
In this post I want to proceed directly to the way out, or at least some of the ways out. I want to offer some help, in a few well-chosen words – so I don’t add to any pastor’s frustration:
(1) Find the right person to talk to. My counsel above about buying your pastor a breakfast or coffee is meant for a congregation’s most mature and trustworthy Christ-followers. A wise pastor will be very careful about how he answers such loaded questions. He’ll likely be thrilled that someone is asking him, but what he does next will be a test of his wisdom.
To the pastor himself I’d say, find a listening ear who is far away and absolutely trustworthy, like your missionary buddy in Botswana or your mentor up in Bemidji. If you’re frustrated – or even downright angry with your congregation – you definitely need to talk to someone (besides your poor beleaguered wife), but be oh-so-careful whom you choose.
(2) Change the one person whom you have the power to change. That would be you. You can’t change old Fred or his wife Broom-Hilda. Thank God for the fact that His Word and His Spirit will work together to bring about some wonderful changes in some not-always-so-wonderful people in your church, but it’s never at your direction or on your timetable. You may have to pray and wait and pray and wait some more.
I hope this doesn’t happen to you (pastor) ever, anywhere, but you could potentially end up with a ministry assignment like that of Isaiah, who was told before he even started that he wasn’t going to be heard. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. After getting his marching orders he immediately asked (Thorstad Paraphrase here…), “How long do I have to do this, Lord?”
Let me encapsulate it like this (not original with me, I’m sure): Don’t obsess over having a great church; focus on becoming a great pastor.
(3) Try asking for what you want. Oh, how I wish I had done this as a frustrated and under-assertive young pastor! Here’s some great advice from Dan Rockwell (The Leadership Freak) that I wish I had heard 40 years ago:
Here’s the link: https://leadershipfreak.blog/2025/05/29/how-to-ask-for-what-you-want/
(4) Learn to like your people by loving them. My favorite definition of agape love says that love is “my commitment to God’s best for your life.” There’s nothing mushy about this. It’s all about action, work, commitment, patience and pain. But when we love, in deed, not just in word, liking those we have loved follows after. “Right actions produce right feelings.”
(5) Pursue joy with a passion. When a church board gave me low marks on my annual review for “joy,” I started taking joy very seriously. I decided that since it’s a fruit of the Spirit, not a fruit of the ministry, I should be able to download joy from God. Years later I was shocked to have a church member tell me that “I sure knew how to have fun.” Me? Yeah, he meant me.
(6) Focus on the challenges that you actually have now. I like to think long-term, but long-term thinking isn’t serving us well if we’re lying awake thinking about how to manage dozens of small groups when our current congregation consists of one small group. People are excited by vision but not if it’s a grandiose dream that makes their current church seem pathetic. And for you as the pastor, the dream of 20,000 people on 40 acres of land will probably only make you more miserable. As I’ve said elsewhere, focus on having a great little church, not a great big one. You might be surprised by what God does.
(7) Resist the temptation to shear the sheep. I think every pastor knows what I mean. Are you justifiably angry or disgusted? Is it wise to address your people’s sins, faults and flaws when you’re angry? Usually not. At the very least, have a good talk with your coach/mentor – and probably your wife as well – before you do this.
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION:
- Pastor: Are you frustrated, or even angry with your church or ministry? Lay leaders: Does your pastor seem frustrated or angry to you? Pastor: If they think you seem frustrated or angry, you probably are.
- All church leaders: Do you each have somebody “safe” to talk to?
- How is God currently changing each of you? I’m not asking about your conversion thirty years ago, I’m asking about how you’re changing right now.
- What are each of you doing to grow in joy (and all the other “fruits” of the Spirit)?
- What struck you about the Dan Rockwell quote on asking for what you want? Have you learned to do this?
- Can anyone tell a good story about learning to like someone by actively loving them?
- What challenges does your church have right now? How are you working on them? Is your church’s vision motivating you or discouraging you?
