My title probably seems odd to some readers. Pastors are surrounded by people in their churches and churches exist, in part, to provide fellowship for their members.
The norm is for church members to see their pastors as parent-figures, not as friends, and this is okay. In I Thessalonians two, the Apostle Paul reminds a group of believers that he and his church planting companions were like both mothers and fathers in their care for them.
Many pastors – and their spouses – find out the hard way that their relationships with their church members are not normal friendships. There are dangers in “opening oneself up” to those who see you as a parent figure. Being “vulnerable” may be trendy, but it really does leave you vulnerable and that makes your ministry vulnerable too.
My wife puts it uncharacteristically bluntly: “It’s a professional relationship, not a personal relationship.”
So where can a pastor find real, healthy fellowship? Let me suggest three places:
- In friendships with extraordinary church members
It only sounds like I’m contradicting myself. Most of our church members are never going to have reciprocal relationships – with an almost 50/50 degree of give and take – with their pastors. Don’t hold your breath waiting for this to happen.
But it does happen. In most churches there are at least a couple of people who are capable of and desirous of having genuinely reciprocal friendships with their pastors. These folks are rare jewels.
Sometimes they are senior saints who have known many pastors. Sometimes they are former pastors. My counsel would be to identify them carefully and then view them as special gifts from God.
That does not mean that the pastor should tell these folks about his troubles with other church members, the staff or the board, but these folks can be enjoyed and embraced “for all they’re worth.”
- In friendships with other couples outside the church
We need these. Some of you are thinking: “they’re time consuming and I’ll have to go out of my way to nurture them; I may even have to drive to the next town.”
This is probably true, but friendships with other couples outside the church give the pastor and the pastor’s spouse the rare opportunity to laugh and cry and be themselves in ways that they simply can’t do with folks from inside their churches.
- In healthy fellowship groups with other pastors
The key word here is “healthy.” While almost any regular gathering of pastors is better than none at all, I believe that pastors should seek out and help create pastor fellowships that are above and beyond the norm. Here’s what I mean:
- Healthy fellowship groups have a high degree of loyalty from their members. The pastors don’t just show up when they’ve nothing else to do. They attend religiously. It’s on their schedules. It’s a priority.
- Healthy fellowship groups go beyond “whining and dining” and involve real growth and skill development. This is as simple as reading great books and holding each other accountable for applying them to our lives and ministries.
- Healthy fellowship groups involve pastors getting to know each other well. The members meet often enough, and long enough, and go deep enough, so that the members go beyond surface relationships.
- Healthy fellowship groups involve pastors challenging each other. We need to know each other well enough, and love each other deeply enough, to value our friends as people more than we value their friendships with us. If we love each other, we will, on occasion, lovingly confront each other.
What do you need to do to get some healthy fellowship in your life?
How can you help your pastor to get some healthy fellowship in his life?
