Loving Your Enemies, In Church

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:43-45a

We all know this simple command.  It’s challenging enough when we think in terms of loving our enemies in Washington, Moscow or Beijing.

But it’s an awful turn of events when we find that our enemies are fellow church members; people who sit across the aisle from us on Sunday morning.

They’re never our enemies, of course, in the sense of wanting us dead (at least I hope not) or wanting us to fry in the fires of judgment, but they are on the opposite side of a major controversy or conflict that we feel very strongly about. It feels like they are our sworn enemies.

So much so that we are angry with them, we don’t want to talk to them, we don’t want to lock eyes with them, we avoid them at Wal Mart and we’d really like to scream at them.  We see them as serious obstacles to God’s will for our church.

Here’s the question: How can we love them? What does loving such persons actually look like?

It certainly doesn’t mean that I have to hug and kiss them next Sunday – at least I hope that’s not what those “greet the brethren with a holy kiss” verses (Romans 16:16) demand of me – so what do I do?  I don’t want to live with the Christian dissonance (or shame) of knowing what I should do and doing something that is quite the opposite.

I’m going to give you some succinct answers that need to be “fleshed out.” I would suggest that you study the passages I cite, dig in deeply and teach this yourself (if you’re a teacher or preacher) or call upon a local teacher who resonates with my outline and would love to expand on it, or have me come and share this face to face.  (I do have nerves of steel.  I can suck all the air out of the room without getting short of breath myself.) Here we go:

(1) You give yourself afresh and anew to the God who bought and owns you. See Romans 12:1-2, I Corinthians 6:19-20, I Peter 1:18-19.  You are not your own; you have been bought with a price.  Don’t think for a moment that you have the “right” to not love your brother (John 13:34,35).

BTW: thinking you have the right to be bitter (Ephesians 4:25-32) is about as foolish as you can get. Bitterness, the sickly condition of soul which results from not forgiving, keeps the poison inside; it fails to harm its object but slowly destroys the bitter individual himself.

(2) You depend desperately upon the Holy Spirit of God – who lives in you, if you are a born again believer in Jesus Christ – to control your life and produce the lifestyle of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, meekness and self-control – that only He can produce (Romans 5:5, 8:9-10, Galatians 5:22,23).

The amazing transaction that God offers the Christian every day is this: my control for His character. He is God; He lives in me; He deserves to be totally “in charge” of my life (Galatians 2:20). Letting Him take charge of me gives me His wonderful character. I get the joy of His character in my life, which leaves me singing instead of cursing (Romans 5:5, Ephesians 5:18-20, Philippians 1:8).

(3) You pray for your brothers and sisters who are acting or feeling like your enemies (Matthew 5:43-48). I don’t mean imprecatory prayers either: “God, punish them!  Smite them mightily this week!” I mean that you pray for God’s best for their lives.  The kind of love that we are called to (John 13:34-35) means our commitment to God’s best for the lives of others. When you do this, it will begin to change your heart because “right actions lead to right feelings.”

(4) You forgive your brothers and sisters for whatever wrong you feel that they have done to you. Not because they deserve it.  Not because they have asked you for it. (Ephesians 4:25-32). To forgive them means that you cancel the debt that they owe you (“You owe me an apology!”).

Better yet, picture yourself walking into God’s office and handing Him the file folders you have on your “enemies.” This can be hard – like Jonah being sent to Nineveh – because in giving your legal cases against your brethren to God, you know that He is going to forgive them – because God’s Son already paid the penalty for them – and He may or may not chasten them the way you think he should! (You can make suggestions of course, but don’t expect Him to acquiesce to your wisdom.)

(5) Having forgiven them, you make yourself available and willing to serve them (Romans 12:17-21) and to reconcile with them (Matthew 5:23-26, Romans 12:18, Ephesians 4:3, 26-27). Reconciliation is not forgiveness but is preceded by forgiveness.  Reconciliation means the restoration of the relationship.  Realistically, reconciliation sometimes takes a long time and sometimes doesn’t happen at all, because it requires the willingness of both parties.  Your obligation is not to unilaterally reconcile (not possible) but to become willing and ready to reconcile, as the Old Testament Joseph was with his brothers (Genesis 43-45).

(6) You go to work at trying to understand why your brethren have done what they have done, said what they have said or taken the positions they’ve taken. This is hard because our emotions are going to resist this desperately. You will need to fight the temptation to judge the motives of your brethren since you don’t accurately know what they are. (This is one of the types of “judging” that Jesus condemns. Matthew 7:1-5, I Corinthians 4:1-5)

You will need to listen carefully and patiently as someone – one of the “bad guys” or somebody who thinks they understand the bad guys – explains why these people have taken the positions or actions they’ve taken.  This is hard work.  A mediator who has already listened to both sides carefully might be able to help you with this.

My book, Thriving In A Troubled Church gives seven reasons why “good people do bad things.” This material is also on my website at When Good People Do Bad Things (followed by a part two and a part three).

(7) You may need to sit down with an “enemy” and share your understanding of the truth (in love, as in Ephesians 4:15 and 25-32) and listening to the other person’s understanding of the truth. Sharing “in love” requires that we’re not “getting something off of our chests” and we’re speaking in order to help our sister, not to hurt her (Ephesians 4:29). Sometimes we can do this one-on-one; at other times we may need the help of a trained mediator who can referee the discussion.

Questions?  Contact me at churchwhisperer@gmail.com.  I do phone calls and Zoom calls with troubled church members weekly.  I also do comprehensive church assessments, mediations and interventions any time I believe I can HELP CHURCHES THRIVE.